I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
