Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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