You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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