I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
