So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize