I accidentally burped into my bong.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
