Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize