You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
