it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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