I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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