I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
