Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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