So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
