I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
