I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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