I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
