9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
