I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We are all done wearing pants today
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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