You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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