I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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