found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
