I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
A+ Viking dick
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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