hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
