The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
