Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
