I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
