Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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