i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
