Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
