I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
false alarm. still invincible.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
