WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
No I am not eating basil off your cock
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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