How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
