I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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