I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
