Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
