I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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