It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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