Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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