I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
