If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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