Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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