this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
