my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
