So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
