guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
