Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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