listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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