i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I think my vagina is haunted
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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