In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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