I love black thongs
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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