I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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