I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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