If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
