When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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