Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
