I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
