At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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