I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
