he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
