Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
