When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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