Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
