Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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